Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Depression and the desire to end a life

When I read this post, I remember the long desire to end my own life, to commit suicide.

The desire caused by a reason, which was coming from my own Mother.
My Mother adored her sons so much, that exclude her girls. Discrimination happened, in attention and treatment. Often, I saw her eyes become sparkling and lively whenever her boys come to visit, while she never gave the kind of look to me.   

I felt tired with the discrimination and heart ache, and that’s when I thought to end my own life, to slice my wrist. But, the intention never become real, because… I was scared of the pain and the sin if I ever do it.  

The sadness…
How it brings me down.
I know I have no choice.
Is it wise? Taking a life?
(Prayer – Hyde)

The song saved me. I carefully thought about the desire and finally decided not to do it, ever.
But, I have to do something to hold on.

So, I hit the wall.

Several times until my fist turned red. The pain on my fist, would replace the pain from my heart. Or, I would cry, inside the bathroom, while taking shower, so no one would hear me. I would cry when doing prayers, or before I get to sleep. Or, I would write all the feeling on my diary, the sadness, the anger, the fear, and the pain. Once, I only write the word “FUCK”, since I was too depressed to write down the feelings again. 

All of those quite work for me. 

I didn’t tell my friends. I personally decided not to. Not because I don’t appreciate, or trust my friends, but more because I don’t want to bring my depression as a burden for them. I have this feeling that my “problems” weren’t that heavy and it would might just troubling them. 

When my mother passed away, the depressions changed for another reasons, with my own life, people, and works. Sometimes I feel to give up, but not by ending my life. Now, every time I feel depressed, I don’t hit the wall. I write the feelings on my diary, read comics, listen to music, or sleeping. Doing those things works for me, and that’s why I won’t ever stop doing it for the rest of my life.

There were various things that can be done to treat depression, and it won’t be the same way for everyone. Like, talking about it won’t do any good for me, I would just feel worst. Maybe it would work for other people. But, I do agree that finding things or activities or people, could avoid the depression from ruining our body, mind, and soul.

Best of luck! :) 

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