Ayu-san has said it again, "It's your first Eid without your mom, right?".
I just smile.
But, somehow it felt more depressing to hear it now, rather than during Eid Mubarak celebration.
Yeah, the first Ramadhan and the first Eid without Mother.
I was doing okay through the day. I guess gathering with my siblings have covered the feeling.
We gathered at 1st Brother's house. All of us gathered, five siblings along with wives and children.
It's a bit sad since we never did it while Mother was alive.
It was so difficult to asked 1st Brother to came on first day of Eid. Even though Mother was asking him. He seldom came.
But now, it's so easy to asked him to go anywhere, especially visiting our relatives which he never want to do.
It's odd. Sister was hoping it won't be a bad sign. I was hoping the same too.
The lost of our Mother has tighten the sibling's bond. I feel happy but also sad.
In the morning, we visited Mother's grave.
I should have done it before Ramadhan. But because of busy and lazy, I failed to do it.
Maybe that's why Mother kept coming into my dreams...in a scary appearance...
Sister said it was caused because I was feeling guilt.
Yes, she was right. I was feeling guilty. I keep thinking, "If..."
I said, "I'm sorry" at Mother's grave.
"I'm sorry I haven't treated you well. I'm sorry I've often being rude. I'm sorry I should have love you more."
After saying it, I kinda feel light. It's good thing I didn't break down crying at the grave...
In the evening, we visited Father's grave.
Our parents grave was located in separate places. And we almost failed the intention because of the traffic.
But when we decided to went home, suddenly the street to the cemetery wasn't in traffic anymore!
We arrived at the cemetery few minutes before Maghrib.
Father's grave wasn't looking great. No one taking care of it. We're such a great children, huh?
Then 1st Brother came with an idea to moved Father's grave close to Mother's grave. So we can easily look after it. I agree with the idea. But not the same with the rest. Well, it needs lots of money to do it. We need to clearly think about it and collect the money. I really hope we can moved it in the end. It will be great to see our parents grave side by side.
Something weird happened when we get back to the car. Rini-san (1st Brother's wife) said that the daughter, Khanza, has several times said, "granny". It made the other children shivering with fear. But I was thinking it's a sweet thing to happened, that Mother was meeting up with Father. Maybe that's also why our way to the cemetery was easy in the sudden. Having the thinking made me smile and happy.
I said, "I love you" at Father's grave.
The father that I hardly knew and remember.
I really hope my parents have meet each other.
I hope they are happy seeing their children has grown up.
#nowplaying Reset Circle - #vistlip