Sunday, December 09, 2012

7 Days

Today is the 7th days of the passing away of my mom.

Mom died on December 2nd, 2012.
I've found her lying on the bed, not breathing.
We've put on oxygen mask to save her life.
It's useless.

Until now, I can still remember the feel of her skin when I tried to wake her up.

"Don't be joking!" I've said.

I can still remember her image who's sitting on the bed.

"We're killing her softly" said 3rd brother when we took Mom home from the hospital.

Mom spend 10 days in the hospital without showing positive progress. She spend 2 weeks at home before she passed away. 1st brother said she probably had an heart attack.

IF.

That's the word I've been thinking.

If only I didn't took her home.
If only I checked on her earlier.
She might still be living now.

"How can we don't know she's not breathing?" asked Sister when she tried to pumped Mom's heart.

I stunned.

I felt that I was the one who killed her.
I was the one who let her died.
I'm hoping that when Mom said, "it hurts", she doesn't mean when the grim reaper took her life.
I hope she meant her sickness. I hope the pain from her body covered the pain when she's battling for life.  

I can really remember it clear, the look of her face and the feel of her slightly breathe on my fingers.

Mom, I'm sorry.
I know our relationship was fill with love and hate.
I'm not and won't ever be your favorite children.
You also aren't the greatest mother in the world.
But, you were my mom. That's it.

Rest in peace.
Told Dad that I said hello.
And Dad, please show Mom the way around, okay?
Be good you two.
Mata ne.

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