Friday, November 09, 2012


"This is my own pain. I won't share it with anyone."

I put the above line as one dialogue inside the story I've wrote. 
I intend to make it to sounds cool. It comes out from someone that have been badly hurt by his surroundings and refused to get help. Because he's been too long being alone with the pain, suffering, and betrayal. 

The character was quite strong, though he acted cold to people around him, but he has some people that really care for him. It's because he's been too long with the suffering that he can't easily trusted people.  

Anyway, when I put the same line into my own becomes pathetic.  

The words describe how I pretty much alone, with many things, many problems, pain, and tears. 
Sometimes I'm thinking of giving up. I feel so tired. I've been listening to people, but who would do the same for me? 

Not that I'm complaining, since I do rarely talked about my problems with anyone. Long time ago a friend has betray me, by telling my story to other people. Since then I kept my mouth closely tight. Even my own family doesn't know what I've been facing either feeling. 

One friend once said, "It's lucky to be you. You seem don't have any problem." 

That's because I don't go around telling about my problems. 

Once I tried to talk with sister. I was really feeling down. I need help. I need someone to comfort me, telling that I can make it and everything will be okay. But, she doesn't want to listen. She ignored me. Later on she said she's sorry because she's confused to give advice since she wasn't sure it will do me a favor. If that so, at least she can shown better attitude than pretending to fall asleep. I was hurt with her attitude. She always talked to me about everything, even when I showed that I'm not interested, she just keep talking. I never share anything again with her. 

Then lately I was really really tired, mostly with works. I haven't get proper rest. I was still working when I reached home, I was still working on weekend, even I dream about my work! >.< 

Back pain, head ache, ears ache, neck pain...I've suffered it all. 

As if it isn't enough, trouble happened at home. Sister get a fight with 3rd brother, and she asked me to be her message board to him. 


"He listens to you. While with me, he'll just get tempered"


I'm the one who should be careless, then why I have to be the one that cares the most? 

One night...after I finished doing Isya prayer...I sat down and dropped a tear. I almost cried. This Polar Bear really still have a heart. I felt a bit better after it. I was still feeling restless and don't know what to do with all of my problems, but at least I don't have the thinking to stop everything any longer. At least not for now. 

As time goes by, I started to accept the pain, the problems, the loneliness, all just by myself. I know there will be times when I will have the feeling to end it all again. I hope that time I will still able to get through it. 

"Living alone isn't as bad as feeling alone" <-- div="div" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" new="new" quote.="quote.">

- KiRaidesu - 

p.s. alo[n]e is the title of one of #vistlip's songs. 


Anonymous said...

Honestly that hit me dumbfounded I almost didnt know what to say--and I'm not great with words you know me ^^;;

you're one of the least people whom I always go to when I have problems, so it's kinda hurting me knowing what you're feeling now. You have proven to be the most big hearted polar bear so I know that you have friends out there who are willing to listen to you wholeheartedly. It'll be difficult to open your heart again, but I hope you can try to trust again.

See? In the end what I want to write ends up strangely XD I'm sorry ^^;;;;;
All I wish now is to be with you and hug you so you can feel better <3 but it's impossible yes XD so I'll just send you biiiig and tiiiiight virtual hug *HUGS*

Linda Tandayu said...

oh, it brings me tears to read this entry..

i agree with anggi's comment above..

darling, i know our friendship not as close as you both but i hope i could be your friend whom you can trust to tell about your problem..
you know my dear,
i exactly know how you feel.. being alone, suffering from loneliness and feels like being abandoned and left behind?
well, whatever happens, please don't hesitate to tell me your problem and asking for help, just don't keep it for yourself, it will only make it worse and kill you inside..
you are free to contact me, anytime, even when it's late at night (you know vampires don't sleep, don't you? xD)
you know my number, right?
and no, i won't betray you.. never want and never will..

you're not alone, my dear..
i really wish i could be there to hug, support and encourage you, not just giving you a virtual hugs like this..

just tell us the problems, don't be shy.. because we, your friends, love you.. *hugs tight*

*anyway, i'm awake from my long hibernation only for kiraichan~ :D