Sunday, October 02, 2011

Happy birthday Otousan!

October 2nd, 2011 is my decease father's birthday. If he's still alive, he would be 73 years old. I can't imagine his look with the age neither his appearance. Yes, I can't since he's not here anymore.

I don't have good memory about father. I think I've forget some memories during my childhood as the impact of his death. I lost him when I was little, maybe around 1st or 2nd grade of elementary school. Me and sister sometimes is still debating about the exact time (XP)

My father was a handsome guy. I remember thinking that when I grow up and want to get married, I want to marry a man that looking like him XP

My memory about father is like pieces of puzzle. I can't really remember it full, only some pieces that felt more like a dream. I remember when father ride my bicycle in order to make me happy. I remember he carried me on his arms when one of my earring was taken by bad guys. I was crying and blood run down from my wounded ear. I remember when he chased me with a broom because I was naughty. I hide under the table that time. I was so afraid and thought why he had to be so cruel wanting to hit me with a broom. Years later I've found out from my sister that father was actually smiling at that time. He was teasing me. I didn't see him smiling since I only saw his feet from under the table. This truth quite give me a shocked because I always feel father doesn't like me. He only like my sister.

Sweet memory I've still remember about father was when I always dressed up well every afternoon and hurried to the door to greet him home from office. I would took his bag, took his hand and walked together to the house. It was my ritual every afternoon. When he died, I cried and said: "What would we say to his friends when they come to pick him up for office?". I also remember when I slept on his lap and he would caress my back until I go to sleep. I love it when he caress my back. It's my favorite times with him. After he's gone, the ritual was done by my brothers. But, it doesn't feel the same.

My name was made by my father and sister. I used to hate my name. It's too long, hardly to spell, and it's like a male name. Thanks to the name, I was on the male student list for 6 years! I always feel embarrassed when I had to deal with people faces when they were confused to see the owner of the name. Also my sister said my first name was almost the same like her. But since sister has used it, father decided to change it. I was becoming to hate him and sister because of that. Then sister told the history of my name. It was composed from  my birth month and my grandmother's name, my father's mother. Father made up my name from his mother name. Since then I'm loving my name, though how long it is, though how hardly to spell it is, though how looking like a male's name, I love my name.

I wonder what he would say if he see the me now? Would he be surprised or has he expected that I would grew up like this?

Wonder does father knows it when he made up my name, a male name for his daughter. He knows he won't be around to see me growing up, that's why he made me a male name, so I would grow up strong when he won't be around anymore. If that so, you've made it father. I've grow up quite strong, even I've grow up just becoming like the name... a male (XD).

Once my 2nd brother accidentally wrote sister name using my spelling name. I protested to him and said, "It's mine! Don't use it on her!!" (XD).

My name is my father's living legacy for me.That's one reason why I never use my real name on my social media account,  I don't want it to used or miss spell by other. Except for Facebook, since that account is more for formal things (X3).

Since I've lost my memories about father. I've also lost my feeling for him. I can't say that I love him, because I don't feel his love. Once I read words from comic about a daughter's feeling for her deceased parents, "How can I cry for someone that I don't remember?". The feeling suits me. I can't cry for my father, because I don't feel strong bond with him. I don't have memories about him. I can't love him since I don't remember his love for me. Everything change after I know the truth. I'm really a stupid kid! I know it's too late now, but I've grow my feeling for him.

Dear father, I'm sorry I haven't love you in the way I should. I'm sorry I was late to have the feeling. I'm sorry I've been miss judging your attitude. I'm sorry I might won't see you in heaven since I haven't been a good person on earth. I'm really sorry.

Happy birthday my beloved father.
I love you. I really do.
Rest in peace. Sweet dreams.



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