Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The day I gone mad

I still remember that day when I read the news for the first time.

Ferrari has decided to walk out from 2010 series. Ferrari has objected with FIA intention to roll on the budget cap. With this budget cap, each teams has to minimize the cost for improving the car to about 40 million US Dollar. For big teams, such as Ferrari, it's one impossible thing. They have used to take maximum budget for the car and now they have to reduce it? What kind of car would that be? An usual one of course! Ferrari objected this policy but FIA keep insisted, so Ferrari held a meeting and the decision was that the team would walk out from 2010 season.

The first thing crossed my mind that time was, "How can I see Kimi if he's not in F1?" I know Kimi maybe would be in Rally car but the local news paper won't cover the series as often as F1. It would be really difficult for me to follow his news and his where about. I instantly become hysterical and almost gone mad. I was feeling upset for the whole day and couldn't concentrate with my works. I was feeling so down and really mad to everything around me. Nothing seemed to gone right that day. I had a meeting and after it my feeling just become worsen. I screw up my works and everything also screw up for me. I come back really late from the office and the public car also make me very upset! Okay, go ahead! Just make my day! I could smack people on the street cause of this.

A friend send her encouragement for me. She knows really well how deep I love Kimi. She also knows how the news has affect me so bad. She keeps sending messages to make my feeling better. But sadly it didn't happen. I come home with an very upset feeling and jump out to my bed and started to cry. I was so sad that I won't able to see Kimi again, that he'd be gone. I know this would happen someday, Kimi has said it him self that he might leave F1 when everything stopped being fun. I know it and I've accept it. I thought I would be fine when the time come, but I was wrong. I don't want Kimi to leave, not this soon and so sudden. All this time I always feel calm since I thought Kimi would still be around. I won't see him for sometimes after the season ended but I will see him on the next season. It makes me calm. But now I might won't ever see him live and not only from pictures. I'm so depressed that I feel I might become crazy. I hate the news! I hate everything! I hate the world!

For me, Kimi is not only some fantasy. He's real for me and my love for him is also real. Kimi will be the one and only man I ever love. I won't love another man. I will only love him. He's the only one I wanted for life. People would say I'm crazy and I don't care. They don't know how Kimi has change me, how Kimi has become my guide, my light, my love, my world, my life, my everything. I won't feel living if I can't love Kimi. Kimi has change me a lot and show me the way in this world. He's the one who taught me the importance things in life and how to deal with it. His words are my words. Kimi's back will be the only back I've ever look and follow.

Kimi has become more than someone, for me, he's my only one. Kimi is my most important person and I can't hold on if I lost him. Is there a way to deal with it? I can't find the way right now and maybe I won't. I just know one thing, I won't hold on if I lose him. This is how deep I love him. My most important one.

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