Monday, June 29, 2009


On Saturday, I went to Pesta Buku Jakarta 2009 at Istora Senayan, Jakarta. I went there with Fit chan. After get lost and almost get lost for the 2nd time, we finally arrive at the place. Fit chan was looking for novels while I like usual was hunting for comics which soon then disappointed me. There's no comics I've been looked for!! I'm so disappointed looking at the titles, it's new one and none of it I've followed. I've promised my self I'd just completed my comics and not starting a new list. So I forced to walk away from the stand. After get disappointed, I decided to bought some novels. I've make a list and found the novels from the list. Thank God, it's on discount so I'm very pleased :)

Fit chan and I left Istora at 5 pm. She headed to PIM for meeting a friend, while I heading to BLOK M and do prayer there. When I finished my prayer, I was thinking, "Hey, what if I go to Daiso and then bought takoyaki?" Well, for me the thinking was quite surprising since I never been to the places alone. But, BLOK M has change and more tidy, so I think it won't be any trouble if I walk alone. So I did go. First, I bought takoyaki and while waiting it cooked I was hinking should I go to Daiso? What will I do there? Oh well, just sightseeing won't do any harm. So I decided to go to Daiso and I was really happy I've decided to go there, because I found a lunch box I've been looking for! I bought it along with a glass (I guess I'm a glass collector ^^).

When I walked home I was thinking with a happy feeling, "This is the life I wanted", I can do what I like, bought things that I want, I'm so happy being single and work! Yeah, this is the life I wanted and choose to live. I'm more than satisfied. I'm so happy! :) I won't give it for anything! Yeah! Being single mean the life!!

I'm so S.A.T.I.S.F.I.E.D.!!!!

Friday, June 26, 2009


My lifetime song from L'Arc~en~Ciel and I dedicated this for Kimi Raikkonen and of course for the band too. I'm really grateful you are here. Anata ga iru kara, arigatou gozaimasu.


nemurenakute mado no tsuki o miageta...
omoeba ano hi kara
sora e tsuzuku kaidan o hitotsuzutsu aruitekitanda ne
nani mo nai sa donna ni miwatashitemo
tashika na mono nante
dakedo ureshii toki ya kanashii toki ni
anata ga soba ni iru

chizu sae nai kurai umi ni ukandeiru fune o
ashita e to terashitsuzukuteru ano hoshi no you ni

*mune ni itsu no hi ni mo kagayaku
anata ga iru kara
namida karehatetemo taisetsu na
anata ga iru kara

arashi no yoru ga machiuketemo
taiyou ga kuzuretemo ii sa

modokashisa ni jama o sarete umaku ienai kedo
tatoe owari ga nai toshitemo aruiteyukeru yo

to your heart
to your heart
to your heart I need your love and care

Sleepless, I looked up at the moon in the window
When I thought of those days
Step by step I came walking up the stairs that led to the sky, right?
Even if when I look out over the view, there is nothing
Nothing that is certain
However, in the happy times and the sad times
You were by my side

The boat that floats upon a dark ocean not even on a map
Continues to shine on towards tomorrow, like that star

My heart will shine on for the rest of my days
Because of you
Even if my tears withered away,
It's because of my precious, you

Even if I await a storm in the night
Even if the sun crumbled... it'd be fine

Bothered by impatience, I can't say it well at all, but
Even if there were no end to this, I could keep walking.

My heart will shine on for the rest of my days
Because of you
Even if my tears withered away,
It's because of my precious, you

to your heart
to your heart
to your heart I need your love and care

Jojoushi ~Love Poem~

A song from L'Arc~en~Ciel that I dedicated for Kimi Raikkonen.


Kisetsu wa iro wo kaete ikudo megurou tomo
Kono kimochi wa karenai hana no youni yurameite
Kimi wo omou

(No matter how many times the colors of the seasons change,
these feelings will never wither, swaying like a flower
Thinking of you)

Kanade au kotoba wa kokochi yoi senritsu
Kimi ga soba ni irudakede ii
Hohoenda hitomi wo nakusanai tamenara
Tatoe hoshi no matataki ga mienai yoru mo

(These words that we play are a pleasant melody
All I want is to have you by my side,
so that I won't lose my smiling eyes
even on a night when we can't see the twinkling of the stars.)

Furi sosogu komorebi no youni kimi wo tsutsumu
Sore wa boku no tsuyoku kawaranu chikai
Yume nara yume no mamade kamawanai
Aisuru kagayaki ni afure asue mukau yorokobi wa
Shinjitsu dakara

(I will hold you like the rain of sunbeams streaming through the leaves
That is my vow to you, it will never change.
If this is just a dream, then let it be a dream. I don't care.
I will face the loving radiance of tomorrow
Because I believe in happiness.)

The love to you is alive in me. wo- every day for love.
You are aside of me wo- everyday.

Nokosareta kanashii kioku sae sotto kimi wa yawaragete kureru yo, oh
Hashagu youni natsuita yawaraka na kaze ni fukarete
Nabiku azayaka na kimi ga boku wo ubau

(You gently relieve me from even the sad memories that remained.
Blown by the soothing winds as if it was playing a familiar game
If flutters away, as you, shining and brilliant,take me away.)

Kisetsu wa iro wo kaete ikudo megurou tomo
Kono kimochi wa karenai hana no youni yurameite
Yume nara yume no mamade kamawanai
Aisuru kagayaki ni afure mune wo someru
Itsumade mo kimi wo omoi

(No matter how many times the colors of the seasons change,
these feelings will never wither, swaying like a flower
If this is just a dream, then let it be a dream. I don't care.
My heart, filled with loving radiance
Is forever thinking of you.

The love to you is alive in me. wo -everyday for love.
You are aside of me wo- everyday.

p.s. L'Arc~en~Ciel has said it all! Kimi, atashi wa anta ga daisukiyo!

Thursday, June 25, 2009


I don't know why I made this post. I've shouldn't make this post while I'm feeling happy like now. Oh well, the Medusa thing has been the talking in the family but is way too different with the one on ancient Greek tales.

Medusa is often to describe as an ugly woman with snakes hair. People who looked at her in the eyes would be turn into stone. While other versions of the story describe Medusa as a beautiful woman who turned ugly after raped by the "Lord of the sea", Poseidon (no wonder she transformed like that!)

While the Medusa I know is describe as a heartless woman who always complaining and demand attention and respect. How would someone respect you if you won't respect others? How would people treat you good when you aren't? That's very obvious things to do in a so called name social relationship, although between families. This Medusa always have many complains to said each time she visited. She will complains almost about everything and make me feel so sick with her. She always complains about my attitude to her, how I treated her with no respect. Hell yeah, I don't give a damn with her words. I don't respect you because you don't respect me or my family. I will never forgive what you've done to my family, no one can mess up with my family and just get away like that. You are so damn lucky I'm the only one with the most freakiest mind. You're lucky the rest of my family still treat you good. I won't. Never.

This Medusa is really different with the tales, although they have the same snakes hair. This Medusa doesn't turn people into stone, but she surely turn people heart into stone, at least she has turn my heart.

I choose the picture since it really describe the Medusa I'm facing now :) Beware!

FIA release WMSC statement

After a meeting of the World Motor Sport Council (WMSC) in Paris on Wednesday, Formula One racing’s governing body, the FIA, issued the following statement:

All currently competing teams have committed to the FIA Formula One World Championship.

There will be no alternative series or championship and the rules for 2010 onwards will be the 2009 regulations as well as further regulations agreed prior to 29 April 2009.

As part of this agreement, the teams will, within two years, reduce the costs of competing in the championship to the level of the early 1990s. The manufacturer teams have agreed to assist the new entries for 2010 by providing technical assistance.

The manufacturer teams have further agreed to the permanent and continuing role of the FIA as the sport’s governing body. They have also committed to the commercial arrangements for the FIA Formula One World Championship until 2012 and have agreed to renegotiate and extend this contract before the end of that period.

All teams will adhere to an upgraded version of the governance provisions of the 1998 Concorde Agreement.

The following teams have been accepted for the 2010 FIA Formula One World Championship.


In view of this new agreement and with the prospect of a stable future for Formula One, FIA President Max Mosley has confirmed his decision not to stand for re-election in October this year.


p.s. Another astonish news I've read this morning. Is it means Ferrari a.k.a Kimi will still compete for 2010? The team hasn't reply but I feel important to post this. It surely make me feel quite better. I just hope it's true then my life won't be over so soon :)

Kimi! I love you so so so much!

Kimi's house!

I've just find this! It's supposed to be Kimi's house in Helsinki! I don't know whether it's true or not but I'm just so happy to see the place he lives :)

The information about the picture is the house is located in Kaskisaari, Helsinki. Is it really Kimi's house? It's so lovely! And it has it's own port! Well, other houses also have it's own port though ^^ It's just feel so awesome to see this house. This is where Kimi lives when he's in Finland. The house look so ordinary but there live a very extraordinary man! But the information also said that he's going to sell the house for EUR 14.5 million (I wonder how much is that in Rupiahs? ^^)


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Until The Day I Die


(A sweet song from LUNA SEA)

Ame no hi ni wa kimi wo omotte
Todokanu kono omoi dakishimete
Kodoku na MERODI ni nose
Amaoto wo yoru made kazoe

Doushite omoi dasu no ka
Chiisana koro kitta kanashii uta

Kono mune wa itsumo amefuri de
Kimi wa yurenagara kasunderu
Demo koe wa ima mo furueteru kimi no tame ni

Doushite namida ga deru no sunao sugitakara minna kitto
Doushite motometsuzukete demo owari ni shiyou

Kono mune wa itsumo amefuri de
Kimi wa yurenagara kasunderu
Itsu made mo kitto furueteru hateru hi made

Todokanaide hoshii utsukushii mama
Todokanaide hoshii kanashimi ni
Todokanaide hoshii kanata e

On a rainy day, I think of you
Embracing to me, the thoughts I never told you
To a lonely melody,
I count the raindrops until evening

Why am I remembering
A sad song I had heard when I was young

It is always raining in this heart of mine
You shake in the haze of the rain
And even now my voice quivers for you

Why do we shed tears?
Is it because all of us are weak-willed?
How I've always wanted you
But now, I will call it to an end

It's always raining in this heart of mine
You shake in the haze of the rain
Forever my voice will quiver for you
Until the day I die

I don't want it to reach you, leave it as beautiful as it was
I don't want it to reach you, this sadness
I don't want it to reach you there on the other side

It's still about Kimi :) I guess I'll be like this for a several times. I really do love him. Until when? Until the day I die (make it after too ^^)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

It's not just a race!

I really hate it when people saying, "Chill out, it's just a race," Well for me it wasn't! It won't ever be just a race when Kimi is still in it! I'm not only watching a race but I watch my precious one race, the one and only Kimi Raikkonen. The race result is important for me because it's also important for Kimi. The race result will affect me so much since I wanted Kimi to succeed. Not because I hate him to lose but because I wanted the best for him. Kimi deserves the best since he's truly the best.

For me, Kimi's race is important that I don't want anything to bother me while I'm watching it. I might miss something important about him. I always watched him closely so I could see his hard work on the race. I might not know what happen with other drivers but I surely know what's going on with Kimi ^^ My eyes are only to see him ^^

I'll be cheering up when Kimi won the race or when he got good result. I will also become sad and depressed when Kimi had a bad race. And in the times like that I just hate when people said, "It's just a race,"

I said it again, it's not just a race! It's Kimi's race! And it won't ever be just a race for me as long as Kimi is in it. I can feel his happiness and also his pain. When Kimi is racing, I feel I'm also racing beside him. The race is important for Kimi and surely also become important for me, so it's normal when I feel upset if the race doesn't goes well since I feel I was also racing with him. So, it's not just a race!!

The day I gone mad

I still remember that day when I read the news for the first time.

Ferrari has decided to walk out from 2010 series. Ferrari has objected with FIA intention to roll on the budget cap. With this budget cap, each teams has to minimize the cost for improving the car to about 40 million US Dollar. For big teams, such as Ferrari, it's one impossible thing. They have used to take maximum budget for the car and now they have to reduce it? What kind of car would that be? An usual one of course! Ferrari objected this policy but FIA keep insisted, so Ferrari held a meeting and the decision was that the team would walk out from 2010 season.

The first thing crossed my mind that time was, "How can I see Kimi if he's not in F1?" I know Kimi maybe would be in Rally car but the local news paper won't cover the series as often as F1. It would be really difficult for me to follow his news and his where about. I instantly become hysterical and almost gone mad. I was feeling upset for the whole day and couldn't concentrate with my works. I was feeling so down and really mad to everything around me. Nothing seemed to gone right that day. I had a meeting and after it my feeling just become worsen. I screw up my works and everything also screw up for me. I come back really late from the office and the public car also make me very upset! Okay, go ahead! Just make my day! I could smack people on the street cause of this.

A friend send her encouragement for me. She knows really well how deep I love Kimi. She also knows how the news has affect me so bad. She keeps sending messages to make my feeling better. But sadly it didn't happen. I come home with an very upset feeling and jump out to my bed and started to cry. I was so sad that I won't able to see Kimi again, that he'd be gone. I know this would happen someday, Kimi has said it him self that he might leave F1 when everything stopped being fun. I know it and I've accept it. I thought I would be fine when the time come, but I was wrong. I don't want Kimi to leave, not this soon and so sudden. All this time I always feel calm since I thought Kimi would still be around. I won't see him for sometimes after the season ended but I will see him on the next season. It makes me calm. But now I might won't ever see him live and not only from pictures. I'm so depressed that I feel I might become crazy. I hate the news! I hate everything! I hate the world!

For me, Kimi is not only some fantasy. He's real for me and my love for him is also real. Kimi will be the one and only man I ever love. I won't love another man. I will only love him. He's the only one I wanted for life. People would say I'm crazy and I don't care. They don't know how Kimi has change me, how Kimi has become my guide, my light, my love, my world, my life, my everything. I won't feel living if I can't love Kimi. Kimi has change me a lot and show me the way in this world. He's the one who taught me the importance things in life and how to deal with it. His words are my words. Kimi's back will be the only back I've ever look and follow.

Kimi has become more than someone, for me, he's my only one. Kimi is my most important person and I can't hold on if I lost him. Is there a way to deal with it? I can't find the way right now and maybe I won't. I just know one thing, I won't hold on if I lose him. This is how deep I love him. My most important one.

Is it over?

Okay...I'm quite annoyed these days. What's else if not because of my one and only love, Kimi Raikkonen. Well, Kimi hasn't do anything wrong. He never does! It's because the dispute between FIA and FOTA that would influence Kimi's participation on 2010 season. The FIA insisted to have budget cap starting on 2010 while FOTA insisted not to follow it. FOTA has announced they'll make a rival series to F1 in 2010 if FIA insisting to have the budget cap.

I was shocked. I thought this matter has ended with the FOTA teams had signed up for 2010 season. I was cheering that time even though Ferrari has straighten out that the signing isn't mean they are agree with the budget cap. They will surely sign out from the series if FIA is still with it's wishes. And they are serious.

This is why I'm so annoyed, and add with Kimi's poor result at British GP. It's no good! I've become hysteric again and wanted to cry each time I see Kimi's picture. He's so precious for me and I can't imagine my days without him around. I know this is crazy. My condition before and after Kimi leave won't be so different. He's still faraway to reach. But he'll be more faraway if he really leave the series.

Only one thing crossed my mind when I read the news about FOTA decision, "Is it over?" I know my love for Kimi won't ever be over even if he's not in F1. But one thing is surely over and that is my life. Kimi is my life and if he's gone, my life would also gone. I feel empty when I don't see him and I definitely will feel there's a big empty space in my heart if I can't see him again. Is this the answer why my silver bracelet suddenly lose off? That I will lose Kimi? That I won't ever see him again?

My world is slowly falling down now....and it will surely become pieces when Kimi is really gone...Is it over? Yes, it is. My life is over.

Monday, June 22, 2009

What the...! ~after the British GP~

I don't get it.

It's my first impression about the race at Silverstone last weekend. Kimi started the race from P9. I almost thought it would be another round and round for Kimi. But like he always do, Kimi has make me regret to have such thinking. Once more, Kimi has make me amazed and I become more and more in love with him.

When the race started, Kimi move really quickly along the left side where seemed to be forgotten by people. Massa was right behind him. Kimi squeeze to the right, and got wide for a moment, before he went back to the track and got 5th place. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. !! Kimi is so fast! He has astonish everyone! Even the commentator said that he's brilliant! Of course he is! He's Kimi!

Kimi was behind Nakajima in 4th place who slowly to pull away. Then Kimi had his first pit stop and it was quite good. Kimi succeed to come out in front of Nakajima. I was cheering that time. Kimi has done a great job!

Then after the commercial break, I went, "what the hell?" when I look that Kimi was behind Trulli and he's in 9th place. What had happen during the break? Gosh, that's why I hate local tv! (But don't have any choice to watch it!). I don't understand what had happen. Kimi should have in 4th place after all the driver in front of him take the first pit stop. Then why Massa and Trulli are in front of him? What the hell happen here?! After the second pit stop, Kimi's position was in 10th! I was shocked! Massa take his second pit stop but still come out in front of Kimi. I really don't get it what had happen. Finally Kimi finished in 8th place and collect single point.

I'll repeat it over and over. I don't understand what had happen. I thought Kimi would finish in 5th or even 4th. He will collect 4 or 5 points and not just single points! I'm so upset and maybe I'm the only one who feel upset. Kimi said that single points is not the best result, but it's better than nothing. Jeezz...Kimi really surprised me with his words. Usually he won't feel satisfied with this kind of result but now he said a very different thing. Kimi is really a one unpredictable man and that's another thing I love from him ^^

Oh well, things has happen and according to Kimi's wise words, "bad things happen and it's waste of time to think of something we can't change," I agree totally with him. I believe Kimi will quickly forget this bad result, he's always like that. For him, I will also do the same. I don't want to be Kimi's burden by keep moaning. Kimi has look for the next race and so will I. Even so, I'm wondering, does Kimi really easily forget bad things that had happen?

Friday, June 19, 2009

nani KiRai desho?

I've got some questions about my nick name, KiRaidesu. Some friends asked me these questions:

"What you don't like?"
"You don't like this book?"
"KiRai is dislike in Japanese, right?"

XD So, this is the story of the nickname.

I always write the name, "KiRai" with big K and R. People should notice the strange way I write the name. I also write down the name over my things with Katakana, the letters Japanese use to say foreign words, such as foreign people name. And if people also notice the one I always said I love the most in my life, the one that is my life it self, my world, my light, and my everything, they would know the real meaning of the name.

KiRai means Kimi Raikkonen :) My only love. I abbreviate the name because it sound like a Japanese word. In Japanese, kirai means dislike but I feel the opposite of it. I love the word since it's the abbreviation of Kimi's name. Why I used that kind of name? It's simple. Because it represented my two favorite, Kimi and Japan :) And the other reason is that I just love to see people reaction when they wondering the meaning of my name XD

I used "desu" just to affirm the word before it. Just like in a Japanese conversation.

"Anata no namae wa?" >> "What's your name?"
"KiRai desu" >> "I'm KiRai"

So, KiRaidesu means I'm KiRai, and not I don't like. I intentionally join the two words just to make it unique. Well, again my real reason is just to make people confused with the meaning ^^;

Sate...Hajimemashite! Boku wa KiRai desu! Douzou Yoroushiku! ^^

The Bond

Yesterday almost become the worst day in my life. I almost lost something precious, the thing that link me with Kimi. The bond I had with Kimi. I almost lost the silver bracelet that similar with the one Kimi had!

I was eating with a friend and do not realize it went off. I realized it after we leave the place. I don't feel the bracelet in my right hand. I look below maybe it feel down somewhere in the ground. But I don't find it there. Where it might be? I was in deep panic! For the first time I wanted to cry. I've swear never ever to cried over something but that time I could not helped it.

I quickly get back to the place where we eat and in the same time thinking that maybe the bracelet went lose on the car or maybe in the office. Why I didn't notice it! I hurried look at the place and ...... YATTA!!! YOKATTARA!!! The bracelet was in the ground below the sit I've take while eating. I hurried take it and hold it tightly inside my hands. I don't care I've hurt my hand, I want to make sure the bracelet is there.

I'm very happy and so relieve! I might started to cry if no ones there sees me. Thank you My Dear God! Thank you I can still keep this bond with Kimi! I was really depressed if I lost it. It's something that link me with Kimi. If I lost it I would feel a part of me is lost too. Thank you so much My Dear God! I really feel grateful!

Kimi, thank God I can still keep this bond with you. I always keep the bond between us forever. I will always love you forever!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

VAMPS 1st Album

Finally VAMPS has released it's 1st album on June 10th, 2009. This album has 13 songs.

1. Bite
2. Love Addict
3. Cosmos
4. Secret In My Heart
5. Evanescent
6. Vampire Depression
7. Redrum
8. Deep Red
9. I Gotta Kick Start Now
10. Time Goes By
11. Sweet Dreams
12. Hunting
13. Sex Blood Rock N' Roll

All the songs has western style. It's really different with the one Hyde had with L'Arc~en~Ciel or with his solos project. Hyde once said he wants VAMPS to go international so he made some of the songs in English, maybe including the music. Some of the music indeed reminds me with the music I've once heard from western artists. Still the songs are great! My favorite are : Love Addict; Secret In My Heart; Evanescent; Vampire Depression; I Gotta Kick Start Now, and Time Goes By. There's 2 side songs that don't included in the album, Trouble and Life on Mars? Is it maybe the songs are remake songs and not VAMPS genuine? Too bad though, since the songs are unique, the music, the video, and of course with Hyde's voice. I've mention this for so many times, I loved Hyde's voice, so beautiful!

When I've listened to the songs in this album for the first time, the thing that crossed my mind was this album is the vampire's diary. It's how VAMPS see the vampire world or describing the vampire life they're living. I connected it also with the title and lyric of the songs. Some are exactly talking about vampire, or is it just because I was influence from the name, VAMPS :)

Over all, it's an awesome work from VAMPS. Finally after just singles that rock the world, they had it's first album to shake the world ^^ My biggest wishes for this album to be success and accepted by the world. It's so nice to see people exceeding their dreams ^^ I do really hope it will be a success.

Then after the album and tour, Hyde could meet again with Tetsu, Ken, and Yuki to talk about the 20th anniversary concert. This is what I would love to see so much. The revival of L'Arc~en~Ciel!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The reason why my ear hurt - the answer

Finally after I know the reason why my ear feel hurt (I assumed I've know it), I decided to see the doctor to find out more about the caused. I was quite terrified while waiting my turn. But I wasn't afraid if the doctor said I would be deaf. I was more afraid if the doctor told me to stop using the headphone for listening music. I know either of it would be just the same thing ^^ But I really afraid if the doctor said the second rather than the first.

Then the doctor examined me and his words shocked me.

"Ho, you've hurt your ear. It's too clean,"
"Clean it just once a week," said the doctor.

He...? Nani...? What he means? It means I was too often cleaning my ears with cotton buds and finally hurt it. The doctor said I should clean it once a week. To think it back, I actually clean my ear three times a week so it's really too often XD The doctor also said I was not allowed to take ice water for a while. Thank God he doesn't mention anything about stop using headphone. Well, I don't want to mention about it either ^^

so I've done my treatment now and my ears really do feel better but sometimes it still hurt since after seeing the doctor I keep using the headphone and even more because I'm so excited I don't have to stop using it. I wonder maybe the doctor would forbid me if he know I used it almost everyday and every time. Oh well, it's another problem ^^

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

After the race - Turkish Grand Prix review

It should have been a great race for Kimi. Kimi has perform quite well during the qualification. Several times Kimi made the fastest time but too bad the other car seemed to be faster than his car. At Q3, Kimi had to started the race from P6. It's not a perfect position for him but at least he was in front of Massa.

When the race started I get angry with Massa since he drive aggressively and push over Kimi. Luckly Kimi doesn't get hit by other car. Well, fortunately Kimi hit Alonso and damage his rear wing. Since then the race become round and round for Kimi. KImi finished in 9th place and no points for him.

I'm so sorry for Kimi. I wish he could have better result, but maybe the chance wasn't there for him. It's a disappointment race for Kimi. I'm also disappointed with the race. But I will never be disappointed to Kimi. I know he has tried his best to get in the front. Kimi will make it again at the next race. I always believe he can. Keep on fighting Kimi! I'll be right with you always!

Friday, June 05, 2009

The reason why my ear hurt

Lately I've been feeling ache inside my right ear. First time it was just an ache, but now it feels like burning. I've read somewhere about the symptoms and it's caused. This is one article I've found interesting related to my ear ache

The Lantern

The question now is how I can heal it? Should I stop using headphone when I want to hear my favorite music? I can't do that! I need to hear music. Maybe I should lower down the volume but I don't want to hear stupid talking from the people near me. Maybe I just have to be patience for right now, at least i still got my left ear to use ^^

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Boku wa ganbatte!

Geezzz....a few days before I was feeling empty. I'm still feeling empty right now. I wonder why? I can't really concentrate with my works and it sucks me! I've got many works to do! Even yesterday I've screw up few things....gomen minna...I'll work better from now on.

I know the cause of this emptiness...beside I was feeling to lazy to work on something...^^ I was feeling empty after I've finished "anata ga iru kara". I really don't know what to think. "Anata ga iru kara" and it's character are always been inside my mind. Everywhere I go and whatever I do I always thinking about how the story would be. Now, everything has been completed and I don't have anything to think about. Of course I have thinking of my other stories but not as deep as "anata ga iru kara". I miss the story and I miss the character. I don't want it to end even though I've put the word "owari" on it.

And most of all...I miss Riki. He's my first man. He's my most valuable character. I'll write another story about him soon but in the story Riki has different character with "anata ga iru kara". Even so, his heart is still quite the same :)
I hope Riki will like it :)

Riki kun, hold on there for a little while, right? Just take a rest before we start the new story. You would still company me through this, right? :)

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Lost in MInd

Finally I've finished my long time writings, "Anata ga Iru Kara" or in English it means, "Because you are here,". I've been working on the story since I'm still in Senior High. There's a lot of changes to the main story based line but not with the character. They are still the same. Finally I can catch my breath again after completing this writings. I hope the final result as good as I expected :)

Anyway, now I'm confused what to do next. Since completing "Anata ga Iru Kara" has been my mainly focus and now after it had been completed, what shall I do next? I got many writings list to do though but I'm confused which one to do first. I guess I'll work on some short stories and essays before I started another long story of my main characters. I will use the same characters on this one but with quite different character on some people. I've got it started in my mind and it's quite full now with the short stories, essays, and my work at the office. I think I'm going to lose my self in my mind...don't matter what it means ^^;

Watashi no Sukina Hito

About watashi no sukina hito

Scene 1: Different
Sometimes I want to be look different in front of watashi no sukina hito. Sometimes I think hard about the cloth I should wear before we meet. I don’t want to look the same like the last time we met. Even though maybe watashi no sukina hito wouldn’t says anything.

Scene 2: Cute
Cute is not the word I prefer to hear. I would prefer cool than cute. Sometimes I don’t think what I want to wear, what I want to say etc. I just do what I want to do that time. And when watashi no sukina hito suddenly said, “cool!” that’s enough for me.

Scene 3: Missing you
Sometimes I miss watashi no sukina hito. Some said that when we thinking about someone deeply, the thought will come over the person. Sometimes this feeling just comes unexpected. It makes me thinking, does watashi no sukina hito also thinking and missing me?

Scene 4: Younger lover
An age difference has never been a big matter for me. But, if I may choose I rather choose the older one than me. It’s quite difficult to adapt with younger people. Their mind has surprised me many times. Is it also a generation differences?

Scene 5: Suddenly
It’s the situation I most likely have. I could suddenly like someone because of the person kindness to me. But I also could hate someone just by seeing the person appearances.

Scene 6: Together
Sometimes I think it would be great if we could be together. We can do many fun things. We can go crazy or just be ignorance. We can do whatever we want to do. Does watashi no sukina hito have the same thought with me?

Scene 7: Pretty
Like I said before, I prefer to hear cool than pretty. But once, watashi no sukina hito suddenly has said the word to me and it makes me feel strange. I feel happy but also strange.

Scene 8: Anxiety
Anxiety never suits me. When I become anxiety, usually it gets mess up. I choose good preparation than anxiety.

Scene 9: Courage
This is what I never had. I never had the courage in front of watashi no sukina hito.

Scene 10: Simple
I just want to spend my times together with watashi no sukina hito. That’s why I think it would be great if we could be together. Just the two of us, doing things we like. It’s just that simple.

Scene 11: Separated
We are separated right now and doing different things. We haven’t got the time to spend time together. Does watashi no sukina hito missing the time we had together?

Scene 12: Marriage
This is the thing that I think won’t ever happen. I want to live together with watashi no sukina hito. Does it have to happen with a marriage?

Note: Watashi no sukina hito is a manga title from CLAMP.

Monday, June 01, 2009

The Side B of a Dream

“Are you an angel?” I stunned. Someone has asked the same question to me.
“I’m not,” I said with the same answer just like before.

The little girl watched me with her round eyes, she doesn’t believe me. But, it’s the truth.

I’m not an angel. Angels are loved by people, not hated. Angels are hope by people, not feared. Angels are wanted, not abandon, not like me. So, stop asking me the same question.

I walked away from the little girl just like I’ve walked away from everything. I’m not wanted so why I should stayed.

“Where are you going?” ask the little girl. She makes me stopped. Why did I stop?
“Don’t go,” I stunned and look at her.

She’s so little and maybe alone. Her family maybe had become victims of this madness. People are going mad and wild. They don’t think about others. They’ve been like that, they never think what they’ve done to me, how I was hurt by them, and by those I loved. No one cares for me; no one cares for a … demon.

“Where are you going, angel?” I look at the little girl. How many times I must say it. I’m not an angel. I’m a …
“Are you going back to heaven?’
“My mother is in heaven now, would you send my hello for her?”
“I can’t go with you. I must look for my father. Father has been so sad since mother died,”
“He has ignored you,” said me.

It’s just like what happen with me, ignored by people I loved. Is it my fault to be birth with this power? I never ask it to be mine. The power I’d use to protect my precious ones, but they fear me instead. They turn me around and leave me alone at that forsaken house. Cursed and unwanted by everybody.

“He’s just sad and confused what to do. But I believe he’s still the same, my father, he needs me,” said the girl.

Why is she so persistent for someone who has ignored and leaves her? He needs you? Then he should have stayed and never leaves you in the first place.
I stunned with my own words. I remember someone eyes who look sad when I decided to leave everything behind. She doesn’t say anything that time. I wonder does she have anything to say for me. I guess not.

“You also needed here but too bad you must go back to heaven,”
“No one needs me,” I said quickly. If they do then I might not be here.
“Of course we need you. Everybody needs angels!” she is really persistent.
“People would be sad if there’s no angel, no one who would give happiness,”

I can’t give any happiness; people treat me as if I’m a monster. They were scared of my big power. But why I still save them? I should have let them all. They deserve for what they’ve done to me. But, I can’t do it. I just can’t let them be. I save them no matter how they’ve hurt me. I also saved her, because I can’t let her being hurt.

But she still has that sad look. Why? Have I saved her or was it I have hurt her instead? Does she feel sad because of me? I don’t know. I don’t understand.

“Do you have somewhere else to go, angel?”
“You have something to do. You should go. I’m alright on my own,”
“I’ll find my father soon and we would be happy then. You should go too, someone need you,”

Needed I? Who? Why do her face that comes to me? Does she really need me? Is it the meaning of her sad look?

“….” What’s that? Whose calling me? I look around but no one there, I look at the little girl who looks back at me. Suddenly she smiles.
“Someone is calling you, right?” I stunned.

I hear the voice calling me again, that voice belongs to her. Why she’s calling me? Does something had happen to her? Had I done everything so she would be safe? What if she’s still in danger?

“Go, someone call you, you are needed,” the little girl smile with the same sad look.

Does she feel sad because I’m going to leave? Why she smile to me when everybody wouldn’t? Why she call me angel when everybody calls me demon? Why she call me instead of someone else? Why me? What good of me?

“Are you an angel?” her words ringing again in my mind.

Here I am back at the place I’ve left. Everything still the same, nothing change. It’s still abandon. I’ve expected to see no one here. No one would go near here. They all too scared. Then how I would find her? I think she also doesn’t want to be near of a place with sad memories.

I look at the tree. It was dead. Nothing seems to be good on the place. I touch the tree and let my power run through my hands. It’s the same power I’ve used to find the little girl father, they are happy to see each other. It’s the same power that makes me call as an angel and it’s also the power that frightened people. I’ve saved them but they still see me with fear eyes. I concentrate my power; I want to make the tree alive again so she would know I’m here. If she sees the tree blooming, will she come here? I don’t know. I wanted her to come because I’ve come for her. Because she call me, she needs me and I also need her.

It works. I can feel the tree is alive again. The flowers start to blooming and soon it all bloom. It’s so beautiful. I look at it with amazed, warm feeling fill my heart. People would think I’m a demon for reviving something that supposed to be dead. But to me this power is magnificent, the view I’m seeing is magnificent. I never realize I could do such thing with my power. I thought it was a cursed but she calls me angel. Maybe she’s the only one who sees my power as a blessing.

I wait. No one come. Maybe she won’t come either. I might scare her instead of telling her I’m here by reviving the tree. I should’ve thought this would happen. There’s no use staying here, I know I should have left and never come back. Why did I come back?

I slowly turn and there she is stand in front of me. She looks surprised. Does she surprise to see me? Does she feel happy to see me? She looked at me closely.
“You’re here. You’re back,” said her.

I nod slowly. I’m surprised she uses the words “here” and “back” I don’t expect to hear the words. Somehow it gives me warm feeling.

“Yes,” I said.
“Why?” ask her. She looks at me.
“Because you call me,” I said.
She becomes stunned. My words have made her surprised. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I didn’t hear her calling. Maybe it’s just me who wanted to be called by her. She won’t be happy to see me here. It must be like that. But I have to tell her the real reason that makes me come here. I don’t know what she would act but I need to say it.

“And there’s something else too,” I said to her. She looked at me, waiting for me to continue.

I become still.

“I’m here because I want to be with you,” finally I said it.

I keep looking at her and her face suddenly changes. She looks surprised but there’s another feeling come to her face. I don’t dare to guess what feeling.

“Finally, you hear my call,” said her gently.

Her face now fills with smile. I stunned. I don’t expect to have her answer like that. I must be day dreaming. She reaches for me. I let her touch me. It feels warm. I look at her and she ‘s still smiling.

“I’m not an angel,” I said for so many times. She looks at me and smile.
“You are,” she keeps insisted.
“You are my angel,” said her.

I stunned. She could see it in my face. And she keeps smiling. Finally we’ve come to an agreement; she’s right, I’m an angel, an angel just for her.

The Side A of a Dream

I could still remember the day, when everything turned into darkness, when people lost their mind and become wild, and when I was left alone with the agony. He came and took me away. He handed his hand and I reach out for it.

“Are you an angel?”

He shakes.

He is, even though he won’t admit it. Maybe he’s an angel forsaken by the heaven. He was hurt by people, by his loved ones. Maybe, I was one of them who have turned away. Even so, he’s still there with his dark wings. He’s an angel indeed.
But he keeps shakes.

He has saved me and now he’s gone, leaving an empty space for me. I’ve seen nothing since then, no one. I keep searching for him on the open air; wishing he would come back. He won’t be back. He was hurt; he should go and never come back. No matter that I’m waiting for him.

And here I am, day by day at the same place where he had left without saying anything. I look at the same thing everyday, nothing change, nothing happen. He isn’t here. He won’t ever be here. Everything is just the same.
But wait! It can’t be! I must be dreaming! That tree shouldn’t have blooming, it couldn’t bloom again. Could it be? My heart rushes. I quickly run inside the yard, to the tree where I last see him.

The tree blooms beautifully, pink everywhere. I’m amazed but also disappointed. He isn’t here. I know it. But why does the tree bloom?

Wait a minute, what’s that behind the tree? My eyes must have deceived me. It can’t be. Dark wings, a gentle dark wings I long to see. It suddenly moves and turns to me. My heart fills with many feeling, it’s him.

He looks at me with his sad eye, but somehow I could feel those eyes have become gentle.

“You are here. You’re back,” He nods slowly.
“Yes,” he said.
“Why?” ask me. He looks at me.
“Because you call me,” said him.

I stunned. I do. I do call for him to come back. I’m glad he could hear me. I’m glad he’d come back. I’m glad he’s here. But there’s something odd with him. I don’t know what.

“And there’s something else too,” said him.

I look at him waiting his next words. It’s odd to hear him starting the conversation.

But he keeps still. He looks like he has something to say for me but he couldn’t easily say it. I wonder what he’s going to say. What is the reason he’s here? I feel my heart beats faster but I don’t dare to have that thinking last any longer. He won’t say it.

“I’m here because I want to be with you,” said him.

I feel my face change. I don’t expect to hear him saying it. I don’t know what to say but I hope he can see my felling over my face. I know there’s only one thing I can to answer his words.

“Finally, you hear my call,” I said to him gently. I smile to him hope he could understand my words. He looks stunned. I don’t know what to do to convince him what I’m saying is true. I slowly reach for him. He let me touch him. I hope he can feel the warm feeling I had now. I keep smiling to him.

“I’m not an angel,” he said for so many times. He’s so persistent. I look at him and smile.

“You are,” I also keep insisted.
“You are my angel,” I said.

He stunned. I could see it on his face. He looks fine with it. So I keep smiling. Finally we’ve come to an agreement; I’m right and he can’t denial it again, he’s an angel, an angel just for me.